I don't sound like your father. He sounds like someone else. Like maybe Nicholas Cage or something.
- Paul

I might've said this before, but if I didn't, this'll be the first time.
- Paul

You're exciting...like the apocalypse!
- Diana

Oh, the air comin' outta your nose is hot! It's almost like an exhaust pipe.
- Paul

Almost anything, if I can't find it out somewhere, it's between my legs.
- Paul

It says, What Must I Do to be Saved? And then it says, Abridged.
- Julie

Wow, those homeless people in Quebec must be rich!
- Diana

I'm ready, Jesus, beam me up!
- Paul

So Diana, I'm assuming you're not theologically in alignment with your church of choice.
- Paul

My apologies, dawg.
- Felisa

If I was a snake, I'da bit ya.
- Paul

I would love to analyze data.
- Jeremy

Cookies bring peace to the world. That's what we should be dropping in Afghanistan. Cookies.
- Jeremy

I...don't know how to console someone who's been having antonym issues.
- Kelly

My breasts are metal!
- Diana

The thot plickens.
- Jeremy

My head pivots.
- Kimber

It's not dangerous in the dark if you have a light!
- Pam

Felisa: I dunno what to wear tomorrow.
Diana: Is it important?
Felisa: Only in the sense that my office requires clothes.

This is what men do. They talk about clubbing chickens.
- Felisa

I wish all my cats weren't dead.
- Felisa

I always remember movies where I'm clutching people.
- Felisa

Waitress: Oh, I haven't seen you guys study here before. Where do you go?
Mercy: Where did we go? To sleep!

I always wanted to see what vomit would look like in the ocean.
- Mercy

There's no reason for sideways walking...unless you're me.
- Felisa

I'm not accustomed to dry heaving during movies.
- Felisa

I'm eating mountain people!
- Monica

Everybody should Google more and kill less.
- Pere

Monica: Matt, between the two of us we really have a lot of fingers.
Matt: And with our toes we have 40 appendages.
Monica: We're rich!

Your pants look like water.
- Diana

Diana: What time zone are we in?
Julie: I don't know what it's called. It's the 8 o'clock time zone.

Felisa: Oh yes! The story!
Monica: You're doing it again.
Felisa: To make a long story short, we were in Europe, and we were in these groups... *confused look* Oh wait. Wrong story.

It's one of the great tribulations of America. Eating s'mores.
- Sam

Matt: Are your parents shorter than you?
Mercy: No.
Matt: Are they taller than you?

I didn't know my thumb was there, until it started burning.
- Gordon

Diana: Why are you so much warmer than I am?
Pere: Because. I am a man of hot blood.

Mercy: That guy looks like a gummibear.
Monica: He and I could make little gummibears!

Daffodil: I think she views you as a mother figure.
Juniper: Which is, I suppose, what I am. If only I could do it without being pudgy.

Ooo...I wanna be man-handled by some seaman.
- Killarney

It's like you exist and they flock to you--like a female Jesus.
- Fitzroy

It's such a communal experience... It's like movie church! I love movie church!!
- Felisa

Why is the vagina in the crotch pit? Satan's smart; he should know.
- Mercy

I'm all for androgyny. That can be interesting.
- Fizzle

I don't want to be a delicate flower, I want to be a bunny, strong and fast.
- Monica

Just because she's your dentist doesn't mean she's not a person.
- Monica

What did you do? You inverted her enchilada?!
- Julie

His personality is what makes him sexy. Even I like him.
- Paul

We are de-virginizing you tonight.
- Gordon

Kirstin: 'Indeed.' I would never date someone who says 'Indeed.'
Greg: I say 'Indeed!'
Kirstin: Precisely.

If there is no hole in your skin, you are ugly!
- Jeff

I saw some pictures on MyFace...
- Paul

Diana: It's like they're little oases...of dryness...
Greg: Yeah...like islands.
Diana: Oh. Right.

Flowers can be mean and unicorns might stab you.
- Monica

I think, in marriage, we have to--if the other one will let us--help each other when we've got blood dripping out of our mouth.
- Paul

I wish I had the money to transplant a monkey's head on a wildebeast.
- Craig

Perhaps I should stop banging you over the head with a mallet while you sleep. Now, quote me, or I kill a bunny.
- Craig

I wish my clothes smelled longer.
- Mercy

I'm actually glad I'm not the straightest of guys.
- Ryan

I wish everyone could yodel. It's a great way to start your day!
- Taylor Ware, an 11-year-old yodeller

I drink pimp juice every day.
- Valerie

I always wished I could poop out of my foot.
- Ryan

Diana: Why can't I have him?
Felisa: 'Cause kittens aren't blueberries.

When you talk, I can't listen.
- Monica

Monica: You're going to remember more about my past than I'm going to.
Felisa: Yeah but I can't remember my own, which is why I started taking pictures.

Today when it was raining on me, it made me feel slightly wet.
- Paul

He's naked as a jaybird, sittin' in a chair. It's not pleasant, but then again it is.
- Felisa

Yeah... I've been to those party-cities. They're okay.
- Gordon

Happy Birthday! Here's a vagina.
- Ryan

I should change my name to Paul Hussein Skinner.
- Paul

Now let's go look at some balls!
- Larry King

The LAP-BAND® can change your life...just like Candy!
- a radio ad