Oh it's a game! Cool! But it has...goats...
- Pam

And now, the post you've all been waiting for--in its pure and unadulterated form--the book that started it all, as a special Christmas gift to Monica...

Monica's Book of Idiocy

I just had a little bit out of the dropper.

When they get what they want, then they dump it.

The sun? The sun. The sun is very...hot.

Hmmm. Birds are funny. It was, like, hopping.

Hmmm. That was laughable. That's why I'm laughing.

Sheet manure...like to put in your bed so it fertilizes it.

Stop writing down everything I say.

The twirling Iced Capp is good enough for me.

Diana: That's odd.
    Monica: What, Mr. Tyson? Because I thought I saw his little Jimmy.

In. Yes. In. Yes.

Oh, that? The big thing? That's odd.

I bet she uses the microwave. That's probably why it's here.

Monica: Did you know that almonds are very good for you?
    Diana: Yes.
    Monica: That's probably why you're eating them.

I wasn't hungry before you, like, gave me a chill pill.

I am such an idiot. It makes me laugh. *laughs*

You're smaller than a weed.

Let's talk about Golgi apparatuses!

Monica: Think of your gay friends!
    Diana: *covers her eyes* Phagocytosis...

How do you specialize in glucose?

*in English accent* What's this? What have I got in my pocket?

I am overcome by mirth. *laughs*

This book smells funny. Kinda like...new book!

I'm sorry, O Great One. Whatever can I do to make it up to you? I gravel at your feet.

That's a LOT of intestines...

Pastor Dave: What is church for?
    Monica: It's like...a party. But...with God!

I love filled donuts, but they make my face dirty.

I just got that...like a while ago.

I really want to go to France. There is, like, nothing I wouldn't give, except any of my body parts.

I don't wanna play with a box. What can you do with a box?

Do you want me to stop banging? I don't wanna stop banging!

We can get high off of air...or tea...or whatever it is.

Monica: Is it about lesbians?
    Sarah: Yes.
    Monica: Oh! Do tell!

Maybe I'm not a guy!

Is that a real mermaid?

I dunno. I guess she's worthy of living.

Oh the pig that is me!

Go straight through that wall.

He looks good with a bit of roughage.

If I were Dumbledore, I'd reward you.

Ivy silently creeps...until people...hack at it...with a hoe.

Where did Josh's legs go?

It's like when people don't have fingers and think they do.

*holds up a large piece of white bulletin board paper, then wraps it around her waist* I could make a sash out of this, or a cumberbun.

But I don't wanna bang on a drum.

That's a three-hour salad.

Anyone not from America is bohemian in my book!
- Matt

F'Mouse: You don't need a plain white t-shirt!
D'Mouse: Yes I do! I wear it with my cowboy outfit.

I mostly hate having a pelvis.
- Frankie

There are limitations to your absolute power.
- Felisa to Diana

Post-menopausal women are identical to adult males.
- Dr. Cao

Well, um...it's a porn.
- Gordon

I'd taste better because I'm more fatty.
- Ryan

Dude I can feel that my facial hair grew in the time I've been talking to you.
- Ryan

He's like a frozen lake. Sure, it's water, but that's about all you can say about it.
- Frankie

I've really liked learning to Google things. It's almost as fun as the week I learned to use a glue gun. There wasn't a loose thing left in the house.
- Waimea Quilt Shop Lady

There are times that the bow on the top of my shoe comforts me.
- Felisa

A professor: So how would a mother's employment affect the father's role?
A student: Isn't it that the more time a father spends with a child, the more problems it will have?

No. No one here has been touched by his...creepiness.
- Felisa

Jimmy Carter's been talkin' to hummus!
- Pollonius

My father was an entomologist before he became an Adventist.
- a professor

If I'm gonna hold your foot, I'm gonna do it my way.
- Paul

I feel like a guppy on the beach.
- Julie

Now she's like a Jew, but alive.
- Greg

You're like a Nazi, but of joy!
- Diana

The quote "Who is more foolish, the fool or the fool who follows him?" is that from Star Wars or the Bible?
- Jon

I am overwhelmed by the KitchenAid.
- Hillary

It's hard to defend your existential hedonism when you're ten.
- Greg

There was like genocide there and stuff.
- a girl on the Vienna metro

We got married and you instantly became like sixty years old.
- Devin

I swear, I could love a fruit fly after this!
- Frankie

So, here I sit, eating Styrofoam cake while a cat licks itself on my lap. ...and the only reason I ate it was so she wouldn't!
- Julie

Ray: I have a question! Do snuff films really exist? I tried to find one online but I only found fake snuff and porn.
A professor: I don't know, Ray.

We're not talking about meeting Richard Nixon, but Jesus Christ.
- a pastor

I'd hate to come home and find a red crayon stuck in one of my tweeters.
- Paul

I think our postmodern context makes everything stupid.
- Felisa

Jim: I never thought of you giving birth to anything except anarchy.
Diana: Thank you!

I thought Quadling Country was more to the left?
- Greg

Rockin' it like the Dauphin.
- Greg

Greg: It's okay, I'm here.
Felisa: I love how that can rhyme with PAP smear.

Diana: Do you have a problem hearing?
Landon: No.
Diana: Do you just like to listen to people repeat the things that they say?
Landon: Yes, it's my FAVOURITE thing!

I think you'd interact well with the mentally ill.
- Melonie